Being human
by Nithela
Summary: Kakashi learns that his sensei is just human after all. Spoilers for Kakashi gaiden. Rated for mentioned violence.


**Nithela speaks**: **Wohoo, I'm back! Yay! I SHOULD be studying history, but meh!**

**I've been thinking about this for a while now and I've read so many stories about Kakashi being angsty that I thought I'd turn the tables this time. Not that those works are **_**bad,**_** nonono! Some of them makes my heart melt for varying reasons and come on, Kakashi angst if you know about his past. But still, I wanted to try this out.**

**Warnings: Some curse words and pretty, um, adult themes. Angst, as usual. I really love tormenting my favorite characters. Heheee! - is shot-**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nuthin'. Kishimoto does a wonderful job and I would marry him if I got my hands on him, but Naruto would still be his.**

* * *

There were unspoken rules for the Konoha shinobi. Most of them meant the same thing even though they were in different shapes and formulations:

_Remain faithful to your village._

_When you enter through the gates, whatever happened during your mission – it stays outside them and the only evidence of it will be in your report to the Hokage._

Of course there were faults in these rules, as in every written code of conduct. The word 'shinobi' didn't just equal 'tool', but also 'human', and being human meant not being perfect. But people tried to follow them nonetheless, and that aided in maintaining the common sanity in the village. Some found it harder to close off things that had happened during missions, some simply couldn't cope and found a person who was willing to offer them mental breathing space, and some found a strong role model to look up to.

Namikaze Minato was one of those role models. Many shinobi – both in ranks lower than his and those few that were above him, agreed of one thing: the man seemed to have a calming aura around him, like a cloak that silently said "it's alright" to everyone in his vicinity. Minato himself didn't seem to be aware of this, and if he were, he didn't show it. He gave everyone the same treatment, which meant kind smiles and, for the youngsters, a reassuring pat on the head with a warm hand that just felt _safe_.

Kakashi was no exception. He had always seen the genius shinobi as a stable point in his so far slightly chaotic life. He had been a patient sensei and a caring companion, but most of all, the young jounin thought, a real _friend_. He had been there the day Kakashi graduated from the academy at the so very young age of five, and taken him under his wing ever since. He had even brought a small pot plant as a present when Kakashi got an apartment of his own. The man had already given it a name: Mr. Ukki. Kakashi had thought it was a ridiculous name, and why even give it an identity? It was just a… _plant_?

But he had still kept the green little sprout and it thrived where it stood on the windowsill next to his small collection of photos. He even changed the earth in which it resided a couple of times, and he mentally gave himself a pat on the back for that. Remembering to take care of a living thing when you were a thirteen-year old jounin ANBU was no easy feat, but it felt kind of good to have it there when he came home, dirty and tired after a mission. Kakashi could 

feel withered, but Mr. Ukki was as green and healthy as ever, just like Namikaze Minato himself.

That was why several alarms were set off in Kakashi's head when his former sensei stepped into the Hokage's office one rainy Saturday morning. The teen had been standing on guard at the window in his ANBU gear, animal mask and all, when there was a knock on the door. The Third looked up from his paperwork and cracked his neck at the sound, apparently stiff from being hunched over the growing piles on his desk all day.

"Come in."

The door opened and a familiar figure entered the office. Sarutobi had his back turned towards Kakashi and the other guard, but the teen could still sense the mild smile the Professor showed when one of his own student's protégées came into sight. The two of them had always gotten along well, and the not-entirely-formal bond between them only seemed to strengthen the more the young Namikaze did in favor of the village, the more he fought to keep the peace.

"Minato." Sarutobi greeted warmly, sitting a little straighter in his chair. "It's good to see you."

Everyone in the room heard the unsaid _"Alive and in once piece"_.

The blonde closed the door after him and returned the phrase, pulling out a small pile of papers from inside the soaked jounin vest. Kakashi noticed that he looked cold.

"I trust the mission went well?" The Third asked when he was given what seemed to be an ordinary report. The older man's head tilted down, probably to browse through the pages, before he looked up at the blonde standing right in front of his desk. Kakashi's eyes narrowed from behind the animal mask. Something was definitely off.

"We forced them to retreat and cross the border again." Minato said, keeping his hands behind his back and shoulders straight in an alert stance. He always treated the Hokage with deep respect when it came to business – which was one more of the things Kakashi admired about the man.

Sarutobi nodded slowly and ignored the drops of blood on the jounin's clothes – it was not an unusual sight in these days. He'd just had to send someone in to clean up possible droplets that had gone to the floor.

"Good work."

Minato thanked him and was on the verge of turning to leave when the Professor's voice interrupted him with its mild rasping sound.

"Is there something else that I should know about?" The older man asked. The blonde stopped in mid-movement and gave the Hokage an odd look, and it was then that Kakashi saw it.

Minato had a hint of bags under his vibrant blue eyes, and when he thought about it, his former sensei seemed a little paler than usual. His hidden gaze went down to the man's hands 

and noticed a faint tremble. He almost started at the sight – Minato _never_ trembled. Those hands didn't waver for a second when he was wounded or in a pinch. Something was _wrong_ and Kakashi didn't like it one bit.

The blonde, however, merely shook his head and smiled tiredly while glancing at Kakashi's figure standing guard in the corner of the room.

"I have mentioned everything of essence in my report." He said before making a slight bow and disappearing from the office. Sarutobi sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair, apparently reading through the report. It was about ten pages in length, Kakashi noticed, and the handwriting was small and neat. He didn't like snooping into other people's business, but he was curious to know if the reason for his former sensei's distress was in there somewhere.

He didn't have to wonder anymore when there was a sudden stiffness in the Third's posture.

"Kakashi," he said without turning. The jounin ANBU straightened his back instantly and felt a little guilty for wanting to read classified material, but he regained his cool in no time.

"Hai, hokage-sama." he asked in a professional tone.

"Firstly, call for Tenzou to replace you for the time being. Then locate Namikaze Minato and evaluate his condition, and if necessary, you have my permission to drag Jiraiya away from his peeking spot in the hot springs to aide you. I want a full eye-to-eye report about this matter as soon as you have any vital information to give me. Understood?"

"Hai," Kakashi said again before teleporting out of the office.

Fifteen minutes later, he reappeared outside the door to Minato's apartment, now clad in his usual jounin clothes instead of the eye-catching ANBU gear. His senses searched the surroundings and found the familiar chakra signature on the other side of aforementioned door. He raised a hand and knocked.

There was no answer.

He knocked again, glancing into the window that was right beside him. No sign of yellow – the other was probably in the back of the apartment.

"Sensei," he called out.

Silence.

Kakashi sighed and adjusted the hitai ate over his bad eye before knocking _again_.

"Sensei," he tried once more. He felt the chakra flow on the other side stir a little and focus on him before the curious pinprick feeling disappeared and no reaction came. Kakashi frowned at the door.

"I know you know it's me." He said. "Open up."

...

"_Ignoring_ the hint… I wanted to see if you were alright."

…

"It's pouring down out here."

…

"You know, I've _always_ wanted to kick in a door," he said happily, adjusting the glove on one hand and raising a long leg to prepare for the action. The wooden panel swung inwards right before he had the chance, however, and Minato caught his foot in mid-air.

"You. Are. _Not_. Doing that. The blonde said tiredly. Kakashi merely kept smiling at the figure, his visible eye creasing.

"Damn. But I made you open up, didn't I?" He chirped in his trademark Kakashi-way. Minato glared down at his former student for a moment before he gave up, smiled back and let go of the teen's wrist.

"I suppose so." He admitted. "And since you'll just barge in anyway – do you want some tea?"

Kakashi nodded and followed the blonde inside. He studied the man's back – _stiff and straight as a stick_ – and noticed that he still wore the bloodstained turtleneck sweater and pants. Only the vest had been disposed of. He wasn't sure how to point that out, but it was in that moment Minato chose to glance down at himself.

"_Oh_. Er- wait a second." He said before going into the bedroom in the back. Kakashi looked after him, kicking off his sandals and heading for the small, clean kitchenette in the room. He might as well make the tea, and since the man was really uptight, he chose an herbal one that he found in the back of a cabinet when he looked through the supplies. It was known for its calming effects and it couldn't hurt to use it. Kakashi vaguely remembered that it tasted pretty good.

Minato didn't come back until a pair of steaming cups was put on the table. Kakashi glanced at him and noticed that he seemed to feel a little better, but something was still not entirely right. The man gave him a slightly ashamed smile as they sat down on a couple of pillows by the low piece of furniture.

"Sorry, I had to wash off-"

Kakashi waved it off and pulled the mask down before picking up his mug to blow at the surface.

"No problem." He said, taking a sip. Minato did the same, leaning on his elbows and staring into space briefly as he tasted the hot beverage. A pair of blonde eyebrows shot up and he looked at the container in his hands with slight confusion.

"What's this?"

Kakashi shrugged.

"Just something I found in your kitchen," he said offhandedly, and it wasn't a lie either – he just excluded some facts. "Was it bad?"

Minato took another sip as if to determine what he really thought about it.

"No, it was just… different, that's all."

He put the cup on the table and looked at the silver-haired teen with the usual, friendly aura radiating off him. Kakashi, who hadn't seen him for a while, suddenly remembered just why it felt so nice being in the man's presence.

"So, how have things been back here?"

"Well, some people from the Whirlpool village are visiting, and the council looks for reasons to argue." Kakashi said, rubbing his good eye tiredly. It had been a long day. It wasn't a good idea to read _Icha Icha_ in the hokage's office when he was on duty, so he had been pretty bored for the last ten hours and such a long period of it left its traces. "Danzou-sama keeps muttering curses when he's around The Third but Root remains still, Jiraiya-sama have found a nice peeping hole in the fence at the hot springs but got caught yesterday; the girls in there hunted him throughout the whole village in only their towels – some with nothing on, which caused massive nosebleeds in their wake. Tsunade-sama was furious." Kakashi remarked coolly, and then he pursed his lips as he tried to remember if he had missed something important, "Noting out of the usual, so you haven't missed anything, really." He finished with a shake of his head and a small smile.

Minato chuckled and gulped down the rest of his tea.

"Well, it's good to hear that things haven't changed around here." He said warmly, rising to clean the empty mug.

"So how did your mission go?" Kakashi asked in a conversational tone as the man turned a knob on the tap at the kitchenette. He didn't miss the small start his former sensei displayed.

"It- it went as it should." He said stiffly. The teen could almost feel a sudden, odd tension in the air. "You heard me in the Hokage's office, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"There you go then."

"But I didn't get to read the report."

Minato put the now clean and dry cup on a shelf, not looking at the younger jounin.

"There's a reason for that." He said- not in a cold, but a slightly reserved way.

"Something happened." Kakashi prodded. "You're not yourself, sensei."

The blonde still had his back turned towards his former student and he didn't turn around when silence stretched out between them.

"…I'm worried about you." Kakashi said at last.

"There's no reason to." Minato said in a low tone. "I'm fine."

"No you're not." The teen wasn't giving up on this one – he could make a mule go green of jealousy when he wanted to and he really _was_ worried. "You're pale, you look tired and- I don't know, sort of spaced out, and you're…" he glanced down at Minato's idle hands, "you're trembling." He said, softly, as if in awe, and then his gaze snapped back up so he could glare at the blonde mop of hair on the back of the man's head. "Something is not right at all and you can't make me move from this spot until you've told me what it is." He knew he sounded childish but what the heck.

Minato took a deep breath and laid his hands against the counter, long fingers gliding over the surface and onto the metal of the sink.

"Don't ask, Kakashi." He said calmly. "You don't want to hear and you shouldn't even ask. I'll get over it."

"Sensei", the teen used the honorific by habit even though they had the same rank, "you're an idiot."

There was a long, long moment of silence.

"So-", Kakashi started, but he was interrupted by Minato.

"We had forced them back into Wind," the man said, still facing the kitchenette, "and we were preparing to head home. You know the procedure – taking care of the wounded, gathering dog tags from the dead and all that. We were just going to leave when there was movement at the border again. We didn't get what was going on since their forces almost were… obliterated, and there shouldn't be any more men left that could still fight all of us."

He snorted.

"I was right. And sometimes I hate being right."

He leaned his hands against the edge of the counter and supported his weight on it, looking into the wall.

"C_hildren_. The bastards had put a genjutsu on civilian _children _to get more soldiers that could fight!" he all but spat out the last words in disgust. "They had weapons, all kinds of them. We tried to dispel the genjutsu but something stopped us and then they were right in front of us… We had to fight them. Or 'fight' is not the right word to use – we had to kill them, or they'd kill _us_. _Children!_"

All the air seemed to have gone out of the blonde. His head fell forward as if he was ashamed of what he was going to say next.

"We- at last… we found the bastards who hid behind the kids." Minato continued dryly despite his shivering arms, "I strangled the first one I got to. Felt the bones in his neck crumble in my hand. I saw red. The genjutsu was released, but it was already too late. Almost every one of the children was either dead or dying. We tried healing them because it wasn't their_ fault_ that the adults – them, _us_ – that it was all fucked up but- "

He took a shuddering breath and Kakashi stood slowly before going over to the now clearly upset man. He wanted to put a hand on his shoulder but didn't know what reaction that would cause, so he merely stood there. Minato didn't acknowledge his presence – maybe he didn't even notice that his former student had moved.

"There was this one girl I tried patching up. She looked much like Rin." He continued shakily. "She… studied my face. Asked where her parents were. I told her that I didn't know, but that I was going to save her so she could look for them. She _smiled_ at me, Kakashi." He glanced to the side before bending his head down again. "She said I had pretty eyes. I had _fucking stabbed her in the gut and she was DYING and she said I had PRETTY EYES!"_

His shoulders began to shake and Kakashi saw tears run down the man's face and end up on the wooden floor with quiet _plits_. The teen raised a hand slowly, hesitantly. He couldn't think of much else to say than 'you do', because Minato _did_ have nice eyes and they were meant for laughter instead of tears, just like his hands were meant for supporting others and giving love to them, not clutching a kitchen counter in despair. Kakashi put his raised hand on the blonde mop of hair, burying pale fingers among the strands to stroke the man's scalp soothingly. He felt terrible and pretty awkward as well but he couldn't just _walk away_ when the strongest person he had ever known was like this.

"… Did you save her?" He asked, and he felt Minato shake his head weakly.

"No," he sniffed, "look, Kakashi, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you. I- I have no right to put this shit on you too." He looked up at his student's pale, unmasked face. His cheeks were covered in wetness and even though he implied that Kakashi was completely free to go – that it even would be for the better that he left, the look in those crystal blue orbs said otherwise. "You're carrying enough as it is and I shouldn't be so worked up over this – I've been through war before but this time it's- something just-"

He bent his head down again shook it while he looked away to hide his face.

"_Hurts_." He choked out before sagging completely, folding into a shuddering heap on the floor. Kakashi followed him and put an arm over his shoulders, every single thought of going 

anywhere blown away. His sensei had no one else to go to, nor did he. So the least they could do was being there for eachother. Minato had stayed when Obito was gone, and the teen didn't mind returning the favor when it was needed. And now he was definitely in the 'needed'-category.

Minato registered the warmth beside him and clutched at the fabric in the younger's vest, holding on tight as if it was a lifeline while he hid his face in his free hand. He was clearly wavering.

"Sorry…" he whispered between soundless sobs, "I'm so, so sorry…"

Kakashi didn't know if he meant not being strong enough and leaning on a teen, or if he apologized to the innocent children he had been forced to take down on the battlefield. Maybe it was both. He put his other arm around the man and pulled him closer.

"Baka." He said quietly. "Really. Baka."

Because Minato _was_ stupid. He offered so much warmth himself that he seemed to have forgotten that he could lend some from others too. Kakashi was new to this whole comforting-thing and he was sure he made about a hundred errors at the moment, but the care he felt for his sensei made him act on instinct and pull the man into his arms, to hold on until Minato got the message and dared returning the gesture, helplessly clinging to someone he didn't have to hurt. Wanting to sense warmth and a heart that wouldn't cease its beating because of him. He wanted redemption but Kakashi couldn't provide it. He was only able to _be there_, so he did just that.

Kakashi knew his role model would get up on his feet again, that he would take on new missions at the front and accomplish them with great efficiency. That he would willingly retake his position as a tool for Konoha to use, but at the moment he was just a broken human. They both were that – just humans.

And humans were not perfect.

* * *

**That was it!**

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